


Scars and Healing

by happymooncactus



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Boy Im Jaebum | JB, Bromance, Dirty Talk, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Falling In Love, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Im Jaebum | JB In Love, Im Jaebum | JB Is Bad At Feelings, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Im Jaebum | JB, Jackson is a Good Friend, Jealous Im Jaebum | JB, Jealousy, Kinky, Living Together, Masturbation, Neck Kissing, Obsessive Behavior, Possessive Im Jaebum | JB, Possessive Sex, Protective Im Jaebum | JB, References to Depression, Resolved Sexual Tension, Romance, Rough Sex, Scent Kink, Self Confidence Issues, Sexual Content, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Tension, Shy Im Jaebum | JB, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smutty, Soft Im Jaebum | JB
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:20:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23562952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happymooncactus/pseuds/happymooncactus
Summary: Jaebum is in love but he's also stubborn and jealous. He wants something he's not sure how to get. And he wants it desperately.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 27





	1. Insecurity

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there!  
> there will be several chapters, I'll try to update frequently.  
> Feel free to leave a comment, let me know what you think.  
> Enjoy! (:

He’s sitting there with his legs crossed, smiling indifferently like there’s nothing that can distract him from whatever he’s doing. He’s not doing anything in particular, Jaebum is simply talking with the guys, or should I say listening mostly. He’s not in a good mood today, I can tell simply by looking at him, I know him that well. Someone’s telling the story but I can’t say for sure, I’m not really paying attention. The only thing I notice is Jaebum staring down at his food, moving his hands but not really doing anything with them.

He wasn’t like this when I first met him, so I’ve been trying to find the reason behind his changed behavior for weeks now.

We used to be close, talking and eating together, drinking beer with the other boys, playing games and just having fun. He used to laugh around me, toothy grin on his handsome face, but now he seems so distant, like he’s not the same person anymore. Sometimes I find him sitting alone in the morning, reading something or just staring at the book, I’m not sure anymore. I really doubt he’s a slow reader.

When it comes to me, he’s either indifferent or awkward. I’m not trying to say he’s rude, quite the contrary, JB is truly kind and caring, considerate and polite. Still, there’s some tension between us these days. There are days when he’s completely ignoring me to the point where I even start to wonder if I’m really there or is this all just a dream. We used to have deep and meaningful conversations before but then something has changed. Sometimes it’s just “morning” and “good night” he murmurs before closing the door and disappearing in the dim light of his room.

At times I find him simply staring at me awkwardly while everyone else is laughing at Jackson’s lame jokes. Even though I can feel his gaze on me, I pretend not to. The reason is that I don’t want to see him look away, I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or scare him away (funny, as if he’s a homeless cat who’s too cautious to get near you). In the end, I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to earn his trust while all the other guys consider me their friend.

I told Jackson about my feelings for Jaebum weeks ago. Or rather he guessed it somehow. One day he walked into the kitchen and stared down at me while I was drinking coffee. Jackson was smirking like he knew something no one else was aware of. He sat himself down beside me and started to talk about Jaebum out of the blue. Was I being too obvious? Have I been doing it wrong? Have I been staring at him a little longer than normal? Jackson’s smirk told me he knew and I had no other choice than to talk to him. I instinctively started to beg him not to tell Jaebum while he raised his eyebrows as if he was offended. “I might be a total airhead but I’m not that kind of person” – was his reply and I instantly felt guilty. “JB is my friend but you are, too” – he added quietly. I should have known better than to doubt him, even though I was being cautious.

“Is my Korean _that_ bad?”

Jackson squints at me.

“Because sometimes I think I don’t speak his language” – I note while sipping my beer, tipsy already.

“Your Korean is perfect, girl!” – Jackson barks, -“It’s not that. It’s just, he’s usually awkward around girls…”

The music is loud and so is Jackson (as always, In fact).

“Listen, listen,” – he starts quickly and taps me on the shoulder – “don’t worry about it, if there was something serious, he would have told me, I’m his best friend.”

“I’ve been living with you for more than two months already, I used to think I was his friend, too” – I note in disbelief - “And he hasn’t been acting this way before. Yes, he was awkward time to time, and then cocky all of the sudden… but lately he’s acting super weird. It’s hard to believe he’s the same person who greeted me when I first moved with you guys.”

Jackson looks at me with compassion and simply nods in understanding.

”Sometimes I just wonder if he really hates me that much” – I stutter and gulp down my beer, even though I know getting drunk won’t make me feel any better.

“Yeah, I recall him being all smiles when you were around,” – he chuckles, his white teeth shining in the dim light – “he would get shy and awkward too… So I thought he liked you. However, he’s weird in general, so I couldn’t tell for sure. But the only thing I _can_ be sure of is that he _doesn’t_ hate you” – Jackson emphasizes these last words and meets my gaze. His eyes are clear and honest, as always, reminding me that I can trust him no matter what – “Come to think of it, he’s really been distant lately. He’s not that enthusiastic either… He’s refused to go to the restaurant to eat with me that day…”

Jackson stays quite for a while, like he’s just realized something important and needs to process that information. Then looks up and meets my eyes once again.

“So I guess _it’s not you..._ ” – he adds with a cute grin, making me smile for some reason.

“What do I _do_?” – I continue whining while my head starts to spin a little. I’m getting lightheaded but it’s a pleasant feeling.

“Don’t worry about anything, I’ll try to talk to him” – He starts and stops immediately after I interrupt with a surprised gasp –“ _without_ making it a big deal!” – Jackson adds loudly, rolls his eyes and pats my shoulder. Then he starts narrating his stories probably thinking it will make me feel better even if just for a while. He’s energetic and loud, making me laugh. In the end his stupid stories and jokes _do_ make me feel better, even if it’s just for tonight, while we’re drinking beer in this dark and noisy bar. Jackson may be an airhead but he’s actually a good friend, I note to myself once again.

I haven’t seen her today, she must be sleeping. It’s already 10 am though. She’s an early bird, so I wonder where she might be. She came back late last night, I could hear Jackson’s loud laughter followed by her “Shh…quiet! You’ll wake the others…” I feel nauseous thinking about them going upstairs, Jackson’s hand around her waist while she’s trying to hold him to keep him balanced. Suddenly I’m aware I need do stop my imagination from running wild while I still can.

I’ve been downstairs in the kitchen, drinking coffee for almost two hours now, reading that old book I found years ago. I’ve been reading these same lines again and again, not really concentrating but deep in thought. I’m not _waiting_ for her or anything, I’m just wondering where she’s been. Is she okay? Does she have a hangover? Is she still sleeping or has she left already? She usually likes to drink her coffee around 8 am in the morning. That’s the very first thing she does after brushing her teeth. I happen to be in the kitchen when she comes down, dressed in her red pajamas she likes so much. I can see every curve of her body in those silk shorts she’s wearing and that makes me feel even worse. Why is she like this? No, why am _I_ like this? Why do I keep sitting here every morning, pretending to read this stupid book I’m not even interested in?

I can hear footsteps on the stairs and I instantly know it’s her. She walks down slowly like she’s careful not to wake someone up. I get nervous every time she’s near and I still can’t control it, even after two months of living with her. I focus on my book again, reaching for the mug and sipping the cold coffee. She walks into the kitchen finally and my heart keeps speeding up. She goes: “Oh… Good morning, Jaebum” as soon as she notices me. Her voice is hoarse from sleep and I _shiver_. ‘What the hell, you’re a grown ass man, not some horny teenager, come to your senses!’

I need to answer, so I quickly compose myself, murmuring “morning”, not even bothering to raise my head. I can feel her staring for a second and then turning around. She’s going to make herself coffee like she does every morning, then she’ll go outside and smoke a cigarette in the garden.

I know without even looking she’s in her red pajamas. I’ve been dying to touch her but I can’t. Not anymore. I don’t have the power to change anything at this point, so I keep quiet.

She leave the kitchen with a mug in her hand, throwing the last glance at my direction. I can feel it, I always do. I don’t even blink though, staring down at my book with a frown. After she’s gone, I sigh and note to myself once again that I’m a coward.


	2. Jealousy

We’re leaving to go shopping, me and Jackson, but all the others have chosen to eat at the restaurant, except Jaebum who stubbornly declined their offer. He said he wasn’t hungry and needed to “focus on work” instead. Jackson preferred to go shopping rather than eating somewhere fancy while I appeared to be the only volunteer to join him. I just couldn’t say no to him when he was asking so nicely, big puppy eyes and a stupid grin on his face.

I quickly got dressed and now I’m waiting for Jackson to come down from his room, getting annoyed with each passing second. Without doubt, he can be careless sometimes. I’m playing a song in my phone, deep in thought when I feel someone’s presence. I move my head harshly. I flinch and jump, instinctively removing my earphones. This was unexpected - Jaebum standing next to the couch, all dressed in black, cap on his head. He looks down at me, still keeping a poker face, arms crossed over his chest.

“Aish! You scared me…” – I whine, short of breath.

He doesn’t even blink, keeps staring at me for a few seconds, then looks down, his hands going into his pockets suddenly. I’m simply standing there, having a hard time deciding between talking and remaining silent.

“So…” – he breathes out after all, clearing his throat awkwardly – “you’re going shopping?”

“Yeah, me and Jackson. We’ve been planning to go for a while, so…”

He nods slightly and I search for his eyes in vain. Jaebum keeps avoiding eye contact with me. 

“Want to join us?”

Suddenly he looks even more awkward and clumsy than before, swaying back and forth ever so slightly, as if he’s not sure how to end the conversation he already regrets initiated.

“No, I would ruin it.”

Before I can ask what he means, Jaebum opens his mouth again, interrupting me quickly.

“Anyways, have fun” – he adds quietly, a hint of a grin appearing on his lips but I’m not buying it. He usually smiles with his eyes when he really means it. I hate this situation we’re in and the hardest part is that I can’t even ask what’s changed and why. Every time I try to, he just changes the subject or ignores me like he’s gone deaf all of a sudden.

He’s doing it right now, turning his back abruptly and walking away, his hands still in his pockets. I try to say something but nothing comes out my mouth, so I'm left standing there numb and confused. What was that? We used to talk and laugh for hours, and now what? Is that all you can do? Do you really have nothing else to say? I want to grab his collar and shake him forcefully as I’m getting annoyed and angry at him. He leaves me with nothing though, so I have no other choice than to wait for the right moment.

Jackson comes down finally, or should I say _rushes_ down the stairs, as loud as always.

“Sorry, sorry, not my fault,” – he babbles and pants. I must look really angry right now, I think to myself – “I’ve been in JB’s room, had to tell him something. I started getting dressed afterwards. Just don’t want you to think I've been picking an outfit to wear while making you wait.”

“JB? W-what did you tell him though?” – Suddenly I’m all ears.

Jackson smirks, not answering my question quite yet but grabbing me by the shoulders and turning me around.

“Move, let’s chit-chat on our way there” – he replies and I open the front door.

We’ve been doing this for hours now and I’m exhausted. Jackson is a lunatic who’s full of energy but what have _I_ done to deserve such treatment? He’s never tired and always eager to try new things while I’m the opposite of him. Yet Jackson’s one of my best friends, astonishing, isn’t it? Now he’s dragging me with him, holding me by wrist while I’m whining and complaining in vain. There’s no escape from Jackson Wang if he’s got you. I make a mental note to reject him from now on, if he ever asks me to go shopping with him.

“So what about JB? Are you going to tell me or not?” – I ask after catching my breath, trying to get his attention.

“Oh yeah, about him…” – he acts oblivious and I hate him for this sometimes.

“Jackson!”

“Okay, okay, calm down, girl” – Jackson puffs and gives up, continues checking his reflection in the mirror with a confident smile – “I went to his room, found him just hanging around there, not doing anything in particular, writing lyrics or whatever… I asked him why he hadn’t gone with the members. Told me he needed some time alone. Then I let him know I was leaving too. He nodded indifferently, like he wasn’t even listening. But!”

Jackson glances at me, a little smirk apparent on his lips, then continues to check himself out in the mirror.

“What?” – I ask, clenching my teeth.

“But… When I mentioned _you_ were coming with me, he suddenly seemed to be listening. He even raised his head and threw a glance at me.”

“What? What are you trying to say, Jackson? Come on, be coherent” – I’m almost begging now, a bit annoyed with him.

“What I’m trying to say is that I think he’s jealous.”

I blink at him.

“No… He’s not even into me. There’s no way…” – I start to mumble but he cuts me off.

“How can you be so sure he’s not into you, huh? You can’t. Today I wanted to check his reaction, and I still think he likes you. I just don’t understand why he’s not doing anything about it. Why he’s not talking to _me_ about it?”

I'm staring down at my own hands without even realizing how weird I must look, thinking hard once again without knowing any of the answers.

“Anyways, we can’t do anything at this point. We have to wait and see what happens,” – Jackson continues, interrupting my train of thoughts by patting me on the shoulder – “and while we do that, don’t worry, alright?”

I meet Jackson’s eyes and nod, returning his smile and deciding that he’s right.

A date, huh?

Could that be a date or have they really gone shopping and there’s nothing else? I’ve been sitting here in my room since they left, the papers I’ve been working on long forgotten.

I know I probably shouldn’t be angry but I can’t help it. Seeing her with someone else while I’m not even able touch her or stay by her side drives me crazy. She’s good with everyone but with Jackson it’s different. I can’t ask him, even though he’s like a brother to me. _That_ ’ _s_ one of the reasons I can’t ask him. I wasn’t able to talk to him about her, I was too confused at first. Then I got scared, as if I’ve found myself in unfamiliar territory. All of those emotions were so new to me. I didn’t even know I could feel this way. She changed everything for me, she was something completely new and different from everything I’d seen before. I was scared to admit I liked her, as if realizing and accepting would make me like her even more. I wasn’t able to tell Jackson either, thinking that maybe it would go away. Now I can’t tell him because I’m not certain if they like each other or not, I’m afraid to hear the answer. Besides, _how_ can I ask him: ‘Hey Jackson, listen, I’ve been in love with her for two months now and I want to know if you have feeling for her.’ Sounds pathetic and stupid. I can’t talk to Jackson, no matter if he likes her or not, I still can’t.

At first there was confusion that turned into euphoria, which was followed by uncontrollable lust and need. Afterwards came that fear of getting attached to her. I liked her as a friend, I was enchanted by her personality, amazed how she could be so many things at the same time but still stay unique. I was fascinated by her, talking to her was the best part of my day, I couldn’t get enough. I could just look into her blue eyes and listen to her talk for hours, I honestly wouldn’t get bored. Eventually the passion came - suddenly I wanted her. I started to realize that something had changed – I couldn’t help wondering what it would feel like to touch her skin, run my fingers through her long black hair, kiss her lips, lick them… desire to know what her lips taste like was making my heart race and my throat would go dry every time I thought about kissing them. I wanted to grab her waist while she was making coffee in the morning, then move her to grind against me, right there in the kitchen. I was so desperate at times. It would take all of my willpower not to do anything I’d regret later.

Sure, I’ve felt lust before, but with her it’s something far more significant than that. That’s what scares me the most, that’s the worst part of it all. Yes, I want her so bad, every inch of her but it’s not only her body. I also care about her like I’ve never cared about any other girl before. She has the power of making me happy by simply smiling at me. She can also make me sad and unfortunately, that’s what she does these days. Recently I can’t even talk to her let alone make her laugh. 

Why can’t I do anything about it?

I’ve never felt so powerless and vulnerable.


	3. Euphoria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated! ;)

We’re playing the game like we’d usually do when we had free time. Late night games have become more fun since she moved with us. However, tonight it feels somehow different.

I haven’t been able to focus.

We haven’t played games for about a week or so, maybe that’s why it feels strange. Maybe the reason why I’m a bit anxious is because I’m not able to sit beside her and smile like a fool anymore. She used to make us laugh as she ended up to be the loser (alongside BamBam, of course), no matter what we’d play. She would lose every time, to the point that it was unbelievable. The funniest part was that after the defeat, she wouldn’t even get sad or angry. Instead, she’d continue joking around in her own amusing way. “I lost again, huh! I’m _so_ bad at this. _Why_ am I so bad at this game?” She would snort, faking sadness while we all laughed.

We’re playing a game with cards while drinking beer. We’ve chosen to gather around that long table in the kitchen to make it more comfortable for us. The penalty: whoever loses has to remove one piece of clothing. I pray to nonexistent higher power that she miraculously appears to be better at this game.

Thanks gods there’s beer at least. If I manage to get drunk, somehow this whole thing may be more bearable.

She’s sitting on the chair between Jackson and Mark, sipping her beer. She seems in a good mood tonight, smiling widely while listening to Jinyoung’s story.

BamBam was the first to lose, removing his cap. Members argued it wasn’t fair but they laughed it off in the end. Youngjae lost the next round, taking his jacket off. Now he’s sitting in only his white shirt. Yugyeom ended up losing the next game, choosing to take his slippers off. Huh, such a smartass.

I’m gulping my beer and suddenly it tastes like shit. I should have anticipated it would come to this - all the members are cheering and encouraging _her_ now. She loses, obviously, I shouldn’t be surprised, even though I was hoping for some miracle this time. She seems nervous for a brief second, then her face lights up as she tries to do the same Yugyeom did. But Jackson’s quick to respond as he interferes immediately - he starts arguing as if his life depends on it.

“No, no, no, you have to come up with something else, girl!”

I feel a sudden rush of emotions and I start speculating, maybe it’d be better for me to run away from here as soon as possible. I’m aware of my childish behavior and I start getting angry at myself again. I have no right to think this way, Jackson is my brother and he doesn’t mean it in a bad way. Although I know he has no intention of humiliating her or something like that, I want to punch him anyway. _I_ want to be the only one undressing her, I want to be the sole person to watch her take her clothes off. I know it’s foolish and immature, and I hate myself for thinking this way. I need to collect myself and take it easy, but this is admittedly much easier said than done.

“Come on, it’s not a big deal” – Jinyoung suggests nonchalantly. If I was able to speak, I’d tell him to go fuck himself. It’s a pretty big deal to _me_.

I don’t dare to look her way just yet, even though she’s sitting at the other end of the table. I’m grabbing my glass with such force, I expect it may shatter at any time. Still, I try my best to seem indifferent.

“Take it off! Take it off!” – Jackson begins to cheer, encouraging the others. She finally moves, taking her grey hoodie off. Her bashful chuckle reaches my ears, finally forcing me to look in her direction.

I freeze for a brief second. My heart starts to pound so fast and loud that I can hear a thumping sound in my ears. My head feels heavy suddenly and it’s almost impossible for me to stop staring now. As if I’ve been bewitched, I continue to observe and admire her without blinking. She’s wearing nothing else but a black lace bra which covers her chest almost completely, but exposes her abdomen instead. I’ve had an image in my head, I knew how she would probably look like without a shirt but that image appeared to be nothing compared to what I’m witnessing now.

The members are cheering and clapping their hands but these sounds are so distant, I’m barely even aware of them. I’m completely absorbed in _her_ to the point where I forget to check her reaction. Maybe she’s uncomfortable, self-conscious or shy. As I realize, I swiftly shift my gaze to her face. She’s laughing innocently and so genuinely, just like all the others gathered around the table. It’s just me who feels like an outsider suddenly, unable to breathe steadily. I feel so out of place and vulnerable, it’s scary.

Nonetheless, I can’t seem to avert my gaze from her, it’s beyond my control to look away now. I’ve always thought she was hot no matter what she wore and I’ve considered her the sexiest women I’ve ever met in my life. But now that I finally saw it with my own eyes, I have a feeling that I’ve been underestimating her.

That lace bra though, I want to tear it off and…

I feel weird all of a sudden.

I notice that my throat has gone dry.

I swallow hard as I realize.

My pants feel too tight…

Come on, that’s just too much!

I’m half hard.

How could I get aroused so easily, just by seeing her shirtless? I get angry at myself, trying to come up with some excuse to get out of this mess. I have to run away from here as soon as possible and I have to do this without making it weird.

While I try to calm myself down, I notice that the game continues. Youngjae is about to start dealing cards but I’m yet trying to find a solution to my problem.

“I’m out” – I announce softly but still loudly enough for them to hear through all that noise.

“Don’t want to play anymore?” – Mark asks curiously.

“He’s afraid we’ll get him _naked_ ” – I hear Jackson’s comment and shift my gaze to him. He's grinning while staring back at me till I avoid his eyes once again. I can’t do this now, I have to get myself out of here before it’s too late.

Some of the guys laugh at Jackson’s reply, but I keep a straight face.

“Come on, JB, don’t be a coward” – he challenges, still smirking. He’s tempting me to _actually_ punch him. I decide against it, maybe I’ll do it later.

“Whatever… I’m tired. Maybe I’ll come down later if you guys are still here” – I mumble, getting up carefully, making sure I’m facing the wall instead. My boner must not be visible quite yet, but still, I can’t risk it.

“Booo!” – They yell in union.

“Good night” – Is all I reply, walking away casually like nothing’s happened.

“You’re no fun!”

“Yeah, no fun, JB!”

I ignore them, quickening my steps, grabbing two bottles of beer on my way. Only when I reach my room I can breathe easily. I literally start to pant after closing the door behind me. I’m still in some kind of trance, trying to come to my senses. Confusion and arousal washes over me, leaving room for nothing else. I need to get rid of the boner, it’s the first thing I’ve got to do.

It all started about a month ago. I picked up a random girl, someone who didn’t know me and wouldn’t even remember how I looked like in the morning. That night I wasn’t able to enjoy myself. Although I got an erection, I couldn’t cum. There was something wrong either with me or the girl I’d chosen for one night stand. I couldn’t feel satisfaction no matter what we’d do.

My body seemed fine, yet I was having trouble getting off. The very next day I tried a different approach, locking myself into my room and watching porn instead. Because that’s what I regularly do, just like any other single guy in his 20 s. But the thing is, that wasn’t doing it either, there was something lacking, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. That’s when I knew something was undoubtedly wrong.

After the incident I have come to the realization that I’ve been denying and ignoring the truth. I kept torturing myself, neglecting the fact that I couldn’t reach orgasm because I wanted something else. _Someone_ else, to be precise. When I caught myself imagining _her_ in place of the girl I had fucked, suddenly everything made sense.

After the realization, I started picking up girls who looked like _her_. I’d turn them around, so that I wasn’t able to see their faces, grab their black hair and fuck them senseless. However, that wasn’t working either. The reason was I wanted to do things differently with her, I didn’t just want to fuck her but I needed something more sensual and meaningful.

That’s when I knew I couldn’t touch anyone anymore. No one could make me feel the way I wanted to feel, so what was the point? I would end up hating myself even more. No one was right for me, I only wanted _her_. I’ve developed a habit of imagining and thinking about her while I’d masturbate. I would cum so hard while picturing what I would do to her, if only she’d known she’d blush like crazy. I had never ever felt this way before. It was hard but I've decided to endure the pain of missing her, hoping one day I’d have her entirely to myself.


	4. Vulnerability

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like reading the story, please leave kudos/comments to let me know ^^

I should probably feel exposed or vulnerable but I don’t. I’m rather calm and comfortable (since Jaebum left, to be precise). His presence was making me tense and shy but now that he’s gone I feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. It’s an odd emotion I’m not sure how to define. When it comes to the others, I’m not awkward around them because they’re my best friends. JB is my friend too but it’s different with him, much more complicated.

I’m deep in thought without even realizing that my attention began to wander, as I hear Jackson’s voice.

“Your turn” – he reminds and I’m smiling awkwardly when realizing they’ve been waiting. Jackson waits for a few seconds and then whispers in my ear - “Did you see his face though?”

“Huh?”

“When you took off your hoodie, did you see Jaebum’s reaction?”

“Uh, no, I was too embarrassed to look in his direction” – I admit, staring at my cards instead, not really able to concentrate on the game anymore.

“What a shame! You should have seen that, he was like…” – Jackson motions me to look while he’s trying to imitate JB. He drops his jaw and stares at me, his eyes wide open, and I have to admit he looks a bit silly. I can’t hold back the laughter when seeing his hilarious facial expression.

“Yeah, he looked funny, it was so hard for me not to laugh…”– he stops imitating Jaebum and continues to whisper in my ear. While doing so he’s trying his best not to attract the other members’ attention – “anyways, I think you should go, see how he’s doing.”

I throw him a questioning look.

“Don’t you want to see him tonight? He’s been drinking and I know for a fact that he’s a sweetheart when he’s drunk. He’s not going to be an asshole to you. I think you should try and talk to him.”- Jackson explains, his eyes so bright and innocent, sometimes he leaves me speechless. It takes me a minute to consider it, deciding it’s not a bad idea after all. Yes, it’s risky but if you never try, you’ll never know. The alcohol gives me the courage I’ve been lacking, makes me feel more confident. I meet Jackson’s eyes and nod while he smiles at me. Then I grab my beer can and take a long gulp until the can is empty.

“Are you leaving _too_?” – Yugyeom protests as soon as I get up.

I put my hoodie on, turning to the maknae.

“Sorry, I’ve really got to get going. Please, carry on without me” – I reply trying to sound as nice as possible.

“Alright,” – He gives up.

“Fighting!” – I grin, giving them thumbs up.

The boys say their goodbyes, wishing me sweet dreams, but little do they know that I’m intending to visit Jaebum instead of going to sleep. I don’t think they need to know, the fact that Jackson knows is enough. He _winks_ at me, that Lunatic. While watching him grin, suddenly I feel like a teenager going to confess to my crush. How embarrassing is that? What have I gotten myself into?

The first time I knock so softly, I doubt he even hears, so I knock again, this time a bit louder, gaining some courage and taking a deep breath. My heart starts to speed up when I hear his raspy voice.

“Yeah, coming!”

He opens the door and my jaw literally drops. Jaebum’s shirtless, wearing only those black jeans and white socks from before. Realizing that he’s half naked with a bottle of beer in the hand suddenly makes me disoriented, I wasn’t expecting this. I’m trying to look anywhere but at his bare chest and flat stomach, although it seems nearly impossible. In addition, he’s standing ten centimeters away from me, and I practically stop breathing. Although the room is dark, the only source of light being his PC on a counter, I can still make out his features. 

Jaebum stands there silently, probably waiting for an explanation. I gulp, only then noticing my throat’s dry for some reason.

“S-sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt, I was just…” - I start to babble without even knowing what exactly I’m trying to say. What was the reason for coming here in the middle of the night? I forget at once – “were you going to sleep?”

Jaebum stares back, _intensely_ , actually making me even more uncomfortable and nervous.

“Not yet” – he says dryly.

“I just wanted to know if you’re okay, and…”

Suddenly I’m short for words and my heart starts beating violently in silence. I begin to mentally scold myself, concluding that it was a terrible idea to knock on his door in the first place. It was so reckless of me, I don’t believe I actually listened to _Jackson Wang_. I’m already planning my revenge when Jaebum breaks an awkward silence.

“Are you going to stand there all night?” – He opens the door widely, his tone of voice slightly softening. 

I nod, a bit stupidly and follow him in the dim light of the room. I glance at his back and that’s it - I can’t tear my gaze from his muscular upper body. Thankfully, he doesn’t notice me staring, he’s reaching to grab his shirt from the bed. I suddenly remember it’s actually my first time being in JB’s room – he’s the kind of guy who needs his personal space. Plus, it’s always been either the living room or the kitchen we’ve been spending time in. I look around without him noticing, my curiosity taking over. The room’s not as big as Jackson’s or the others’, it’s more of a cozy one instead. It’s not overloaded with furniture, JB’s only got what’s really essential (including books, of course).

After he’s dressed in his black short sleeve shirt, Jaebum lights a bedside lamp. He then sits down on the bed with a quiet sigh and waves his hand, motioning me to sit next to him. I consider it just for a second but it would be weird to deny him. After all, we’re still friends.

“You want some?” – He’s offering me a bottle of beer that’s almost full and I thank him, sincerely happy I get to drink some more. In my defense, I’d say that the booze makes it easier for me to loosen up while talking to him.

I glance in his direction, as the light of the lamp allows me to see him more clearly now. That’s when I notice his hair’s wet and he smells like shampoo and vanilla. Jaebum looks soft and peaceful. Immediately after seeing him like this, I get the feeling of being at home. Suddenly all my worries seem far away as I sit on his bed, our shoulders almost touching. However, that amazing feeling doesn’t last long as my heart starts to beat slightly faster and louder. That’s because he’s so close I can feel the warmth radiating from his body to mine. I remind myself to concentrate on my breathing instead. I just want to have a normal conversation with Jaebum and I’m not letting anything distract me.

She’s sitting right next to me, I can feel her soft scent. I’ve fallen in love with the perfume she uses without even realizing it. Now it’s driving me insane, I want to touch her so bad. I stop myself right then and there, maintaining a poker face even though my mind is a complete mess.

“Are they still playing?” – I break the silence so that she won’t have to.

“Uhum,” – She gulps her beer, and then I make a mistake of glancing at her.

I watch the way she swallows the liquid and I’m overwhelmed with longing for her. I feel the blood rushing all over my body. I’m craving her. All I want is to kiss those pulpy lips of hers. I would move my mouth toward her long pale neck afterwards, leaving kisses and bites on my way down. I want to taste every inch of her. I want her to moan my name.

 _Fuck_! What am I thinking? For my own sake, I really need stop imagining scenarios in my head, I should stop daydreaming. Otherwise I might break at some point, ending up doing something that’s going to destroy my friendship with her and that’s the last thing I want to do. Therefore, I decide to control my thoughts and my actions, despite the fact that it seems like a hardest task of all.

I clear my throat and in the silent room it sounds louder than I intended.

“So… Are they naked yet?”

She suddenly laughs, spitting her mouthful of beer on the floor as she starts coughing.

I feel proud for some reason, call me stupid if you want to but making her laugh has always been my favorite thing to do. Sure, it seemed easier before, as if she was waiting for me to make her feel better and bring a smile to her face.

Seeing her genuine laughter makes me less anxious all of a sudden, and I smile too.

“Aish, I just spilled beer on the floor,” – she _whispers_ in between giggle, as if there’s someone else in the room she’s trying to hide it from. She can be truly adorable sometimes. I have no idea how she manages to stay so cute and yet so sexy at the same time – “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright” – I reply calmly, still grinning.

“I should get something to clean it up though. This may leave a stain” – she continues, already standing up.

“No, you don’t have to” – I object immediately, turning my body to face her. It feels like she doesn’t even hear me anymore.

“Jaebum! I’ve told you, I need to clean beer off the floor. You’ve got to have something I can use.”

I take a minute to examine her carefully. She’s still staring down at the stain on the floor. Then she hangs her head and seems distant, as though she’s mentally somewhere else.

All of a sudden I feel like I’m suffocating. I struggle to come up with the right words.

“Sit down” – I suggest quietly.

She stands still as a statue.

“Are you drunk or what’s with you? Sit down, I said!” - I command now, as I grab her by the wrist and force her down to the bed.

She gasps, clearly startled, but she doesn’t fight me. She hangs her head again. I keep looking though, searching her face, failing.

My heart hurts and I don’t even know why. Something’s not right, I feel uneasy. I’m concerned and not able to hide it anymore. 

She’s sitting beside me now and she keeps staring at nothing. We stay like this for a few seconds. I’m still clutching at her wrist, not letting go yet. Then at some point I start moving my thumb to caress her skin, in attempt to soothe her. That’s when she closes her eyes.

She fucking _closes her eyes_ , damn it. Why is she doing this to me?

“Hey… May… are you alright?” – I check, trying to sound as calm as possible.

She merely nods.

“Yeah?” – I ask again, just to be sure, still rubbing my thumb over the tender skin of her wrist.

“Yes, I’m fine,” – She finally meets my gaze, her blue eyes dark in the dim light of the room. Her eyelashes cast a long shadow on her pale cheeks – “it’s just, I’ve been having tough time lately. But it’s alright.”

She smiles but the smile doesn’t reach her eyes, so I know it’s fake.

I simply nod my head in understanding.

“Can I do anything for you?”

And I would do anything in my power to make her happy, she just needs to ask.

“I’m fine, really.”

I let go of her hand then, and she moves it to grab the empty bottle, placing it on the nightstand.

“Do you want me to bring you more?” – I suggest, gesturing towards the bottle.

“No, I shouldn’t. I get all sad and grumpy when drunk. _Or_ I laugh like crazy without a reason” – she admits and I chuckle, meeting her eyes once again.

She doesn’t look away this time but holds my gaze as a light smile plays on her lips.

“I missed this” – She says out of nowhere.

My heart flutters.

Where did that come from? How can she say things like this so easily?

“What do you mean?”

I’m playing dumb and I hate my cowardly self for it.

“I mean _this_ , you and me talking.”

I have a feeling she wants to say more but decides against it. She looks somehow sad and it breaks my heart to see her like this. I’m considering admitting that I’ve missed us too but I can’t bring myself to actually open my mouth.

Then I feel her touch, she runs her long fingers over my knuckles. I flinch ever so slightly but she acts like she hasn’t even noticed my reaction. I hastily shift my gaze back to her face in attempt to guess what she is doing. Her attention is merely on my right hand as she places it in her hand. That’s when I start to panic. There are so many questions in my head but I decide to wait for her to speak instead. And when she finally does, her voice is low and soft.

“What about the scars?” – She asks, moving her warm fingers over the scars on my wrist – “How did you get them? I’ve always wondered but never dared to ask. Did you hurt yourself?”

I wince under her touch and I jerk away as if I’ve been burned.

This is too much. I can’t take it. What’s with her? Being all friendly and kind, saying she missed me, and now _this_? Why is she doing this? Touching my scars like it’s nothing and asking about them as if she’s talking about cat scratches. She shouldn’t be so nice to me when she’s not even mine.

“That’s none of your business!”

The words leave my mouth before I can even comprehend what I am saying. I don’t recognize my voice either – it’s full of venom. I immediately regret everything that has led me to this moment. I shouldn’t have opened the door, considering I knew it was her - I’ve never failed to distinguish her footsteps. I shouldn’t have invited her in. It’s too late now, the damage’s done. As I dare to look up again, I catch her staring back with such vulnerability that it makes me hate myself even more. She seems hurt and her eyes are watering.

My heart drops. I feel nauseous.

“I…”

She cuts me off but even if she didn’t, I’m not sure what I was going to say anyway.

“You’re right, I’m sorry” – She whispers and hangs her head.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just…”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me” – she interrupts again – “Sorry I asked. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

I open my mouth to disagree but she chooses that moment to stand up.

“I better get going, it’s really late” – She says matter-of-factly while chuckling quietly. I find it odd and heartbreaking that she’s trying to laugh it off when we both know it’s not going to work – “It was nice talking to you again.”

She meets my eyes for a second. Then she drops her gaze, smiles politely and turns around.

“Yes… Indeed.”

“Sleep well” – is the last thing she says as she opens the door. She doesn’t even wait for my reply but disappears into the darkness until I lose sight of her.

“Goodnight…” – I breathe out, hoping she hears but I’m not sure.

I’m left in a complete silence that’s so deafening, it hurts my ears. My whole body feels heavy as I’m replaying everything that has just happened. I feel like a complete moron for making her feel the need to apologize, for making her fake the smile. I think about how nice it would be if I could run after her and tell her how I really feel. I could admit that I’m sorry. I could promise that I’d try harder. Because this feeling is very foreign to me, and I’m struggling, too. How nice it would be if I could speak freely like I used to do. I don’t want to concentrate on old scars anymore, I’m already healing. I wish I had the courage to ask her to go through the healing process with me. How nice would it be, if only she’d let me.


	5. Empathy

I’ve been waiting for her to appear for nearly an hour. I didn’t get much sleep last night, Thinking about the way we had separated was making me anxious. Now I’m sitting here in the kitchen and waiting for her to come down, while everyone else is still sleeping. I’m tense and excited as I’m drinking my second cup of coffee.

I instantly recognize her footsteps like I always do. As soon as I decide she’s coming down the stairs, I become even more fidgety and impatient. She opens the door and walks in wearing oversized pajamas this time. _So cute._

She flinches and gasps when she notices me. I avert my eyes as I still feel guilty. I know I should apologize for the look I put on her face yesterday.

“You scared me.”

“I’m sorry for scaring you all the time” – I reply quietly.

She blinks for a few moments, probably still dazed from sleep, and turns around to make her coffee. She’s usually clumsy, yet very organized, thorough and extremely attentive to details. She always wakes up grumpy and grumbles a bit but I find it very cute. Plus, she doesn’t try to be anyone she isn’t and it makes her even sexier.

Now she’s making coffee in a complete silence, standing there as if I’m not even in the same room with her. I occasionally throw glances at her but I’m not ready to say anything just yet. I know she’s going to go outside, sit in our garden next to the pool and smoke her cigarette. It’s a routine and today is no exception – she’s heading for the glass door, holding her cup of coffee. That’s when I stand up as she continues walking, deep in thought.

She sits down by the pool, making herself comfortable. I keep my distance from her. And I watch her. I watch the way she puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. After a few seconds of standing there frozen I finally dare to move and she suddenly seems aware of my presence.

When I reach her, she looks up for a second and I sit next to her.

“Aren’t you cold?”

“Not really” – She puffs her cigarette, blowing a long stream of smoke.

I remain silent for a few seconds, gaining courage to get to the point, while she’s not even looking in my direction. She is busy staring at the horizon instead.

“Hey, I need to apologize for yesterday” – I start but she continues to ignore me, like I’m not even here – “I acted like an asshole. It was childish and rude of me to make you feel bad, while you only wanted to help.”

“I was drunk, and I let myself get carried away” – she interrupts, still avoiding my gaze. Her voice is casual but she sounds insincere – “That’s why I try not to drink too much and...”

“No!” – I cut her off and she finally looks at me, her eyes widening. It was harsh, I know, so I soften my voice and say as gently as I can – “Just let me explain, please. I need you to know that I didn’t mean any disrespect, I was just startled when you mentioned the scars.”

I watch her as she takes another puff and slowly blows out the smoke, and I notice that her facial expression has changed. She frowns and looks somehow vulnerable.

“I’m sure you can relate to this. If not all of us, most of us have moments when everything seems just pointless. We are empty and everything hurts. But I’ve come to realize that it’s completely okay to be weak sometimes.”

She looks at me then, and I’m finally able to stare into her blue-grey eyes, as I decide once again that _this_ is indeed my favorite color.

“You will stagger and even fall, and that’s alright. But you know what?”

She doesn’t even blink, she just holds my gaze. Suddenly I feel strangely calm.

“You need to _get up_ afterwards.”

She nods and I clearly see her eyes are starting to water. I swallow down a lump in my throat as I watch her eyes turning glassier and greyer. My heart squeezes tighter. She is so small and sensitive. I want to lean over and pull her into a tight hug, but I can’t. Because If I hug her, I won’t be able to let her go.

“I’ve been through hard times” – I’m pouring my heart out but I don’t feel vulnerable because I know for sure she gets me. However, I’m a bit worried she might actually start crying. She doesn’t though, and I feel relieved – “My scars are merely a reminder of those moments when I staggered and fell. But I managed to get to my feet again, and that’s all that matters in the end.”

She nods and looks down for a second, just to crunch the half-used cigarette into the ashtray.

“I hope you know, you did nothing wrong, I was just not ready to talk about it. I’m sorry.”

I hesitantly and a bit awkwardly tap her on the shoulder. She holds my gaze and her eyes are now clear blue-grey color I adore. My heartbeat speeds up when she suddenly smiles widely.

“No more apologies, please. I understand everything.”

All I manage to do is return her smile.

“Thanks for telling me this” – She adds.

“So… we cool?” – I ask her with my broken English and she laughs out loud.

My heart skips a beat.

That beautiful laugh - definitely one of my favorite sounds.

“Yeah, Mister ' _I’m too cool to learn English' ,_ everything’s alright.”

She slowly stands up and I mimic her every move without even realizing it. We’re walking slowly towards the house as she starts playfully scolding me for not trying hard enough. She used to give me English lessons, which I saw as an opportunity to spend more time with her. I never really put much effort into it, I just loved the way she talked so I listened. I kept complaining and telling her that English was too hard for me but she never gave up. Now she’s reminding me about our lessons, probably hoping to persuade me to continue learning. My answer is that I’ll think about it and her face lights up. Maybe I should _really_ think about it then.

We’re sitting in the living room, while the others are busy doing their own things. Yugyeom has left with BamBam a while ago, Youngjae is playing some game in his pc - never minding us, Jinyoung is sleeping in his room, and May is still at work. It’s already dark outside and that’s when she usually gets home, so I anticipate to hear her footsteps, any minute now.

We had a few beers, all three of us. Mark has made himself comfortable on the couch and is now busy playing with her phone. Jackson is narrating something as he would usually do after drinking, and he’s not even bothered by the fact that none of us is actually listening to him anymore. Mark looks up from his phone time to time, passively getting involved in Jackson’s monologue, while I’m trying to read a new book I bought. Then Jackson gets too loud and exited and starts using exaggerated hand gestures. That’s when I close the book with a sigh and look up at Jackson. I roll my eyes at the sight of him – he looks almost comical. I’m not really interested in the story he’s telling, I just don’t want to upset him or hurt his feelings. He’s so honest and loyal, he’s like a small child sometimes. I don’t want to be a bad friend and disappoint him in any way, so I actually start listening to what he’s saying.

The monologue continuous, and then at some point, Jackson mentions _her_. I’m pretty sure that my rather bored expression changes to interest all of a sudden. I listen carefully as he talks about May liking her new job better than the previous one. An idea pops into my head - I could ask him if he likes May. However, I cannot ask him directly, I should be very careful.

“About her, are you two…” – I pause as I force myself to look and sound casual and unconcerned – “Together, or something?”

Jackson meets my gaze. He remains silent for a few seconds and I’m starting to think that I’ve just made a mistake. Even Mark looks up from his phone and stares at me intensely. My palms start to sweat and my heartbeat quickens. But then Jackson who’s been standing there like a statue, moves to sit down on a couch.

“Why you ask?”

That’s not an answer, that’s just another question. Suddenly I’m doubting everything as his words repeat in my head.

I shrug nonchalantly and I roll my eyes once again. I just hope I’m a better actor than I consider myself to be.

Jackson is still eyeing me carefully, taking his time to reply.

“You could ask _her_ if you’re curious.”

I look up at him sharply and I’m quick to respond.

“I’m not _curious_ or anything. It’s just, if you guys are a thing, or whatever, I think _we_ should know it too,” – the panic begins to build inside me and I struggle to keep a straight face – “don’t you think so?”

I turn to Mark, hoping he’ll take my side.

He simply shrugs, never meeting my gaze.

“How would _I_ know?”

What’s with him though? Jackson being a weirdo is understandable but Mark acting like this? I’m overthinking again. In fact, it may well be for the best – we can now change the subject.

And that’s what we do. Jackson continues his monologue as if the question hasn’t even been asked. I breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t think they suspect anything. Nonetheless, something is still bothering me.

May returns safely and we call it a night. We say our goodnights, she closes the door and I walk toward my room. Mark follows me into the room and although I’m a bit confused, I open the door widely for him. His face looks serious, even a little bit sad. I blink at him.

“Is everything alright?”

“I know everything. I know you like May.”

He stares at me, eyes studying me.

I’m frozen.

“Why didn’t you bother to tell me?”

I’m ashamed.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell anyone. I was in denial... Then I was too afraid. I know I should have told you, you’re my best friend. I’m a jerk.”

He stares for a few more seconds, then nods in understanding.

“I’m really sorry, Mark.”

“It’s alright. But don’t hide important things like this from me anymore, okay?”

I nod, handing my head in shame.

“It’s not like I didn’t know – the way you’ve been acting around her, it was obvious to me from the very beginning.”

“Do you think others know? Do you think she knows?”

“I don’t know about her but I’m pretty sure Jackson knows. Although he hasn’t told me anything, I just know he does.”

I nod again, feeling stupid and even more confused.

“I think you should tell her. Tell May that you have feelings for her.”


	6. Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome to leave a comment ^^

We’re sitting in the living room, she’s writing something in a notebook for me. She’s teaching me English, we renewed our classes. She innocently believes I’m here for the sake of learning. Of course I would like to improve my English but I could have easily asked Jackson or Mark to help me with that. I had asked her instead, and she didn’t even suspect anything. She has some spare time when she’s not at work and she spends that time with me, trying her best to make it easier for me to learn. In fact, I’ve been making some progress lately, it has been almost a week since I asked her for help. Almost a week has passed since Mark announced he knew everything.

She seemed thrilled and excited, so we started immediately. I have to admit, it’s distracting. She is tempting me, yet I can’t gain some courage to actually do anything about it.

She’s done writing and now wants me to read. I clear my throat and quickly scan the page, then I start reading slowly at first, still hesitant.

“Right, go on” – She encourages while nodding her head.

She seems satisfied, I guess I’m pronouncing everything correctly.

“Good job!” – She claps her hands in a very cute way and grins.

“Yeah?”

I smile at her. She’s moved closer and our knees are touching now. I use this opportunity to study her face. She’s so close to me and the room is so bright that I can even distinguish tiny black freckles in her pale blue-grey eyes. I hold my breath as I watch her, not even able to blink. I wish she was mine. I wish I could make her smile like this every day.

She averts her eyes and I come to my senses then. I look away as well, continuing to read what she had to write down for me.

She’s back with two cups of coffee and we continue with sample dialogues.

“Go on, ask me”

“Ask you what?”

“Anything. Like, ‘Hello sir. Where is the airport?’”

I squint and grab my coffee mug, thinking hard. I’m a bit unsure but I still try my best to focus. I hope I don’t sound too stupid.

“Correct!” – She grins and I return her smile.

I’m actually getting better at this, I note to myself and suddenly I feel more confident.

We continue with some random questions - me asking her in English and her nodding and smiling.

“Do you like coffee or tea?”

“I like both but I prefer coffee over tea.”

“Do you have- Uh, are you s-satisfied?” – I stammer.

She gazes at me with semi-smile on her lips and I unintentionally look down at them. Not the right time, I remind myself but I still find it hard to concentrate.

“Yes, I’m satisfied and very happy.”

Her smile widens and I swallow to wet my suddenly dry throat. This is harder than I expected. I knew about love from movies and books, I knew how it works but now that I’m feeling it… It’s so intense and powerful. As I look at her face, her sparkling eyes, suddenly I get a sinking feeling in my chest and feel a little lightheaded. I blurt out something I was not planning to say.

“Do you like Jackson?”

She seems confused for a second but continues to smile.

“Of course, I like Jackson.”

“You like Jackson?” – I repeat a bit stupidly, suddenly more hesitant and self-conscious.

“He’s my best friend. How can I _not_ like him?”

I still try for this dialog to seem like ‘JB is practicing English’, so I continue struggling with words.

“No, not t-that, I… I mean, like a boyfriend.”

She squints and after a few seconds of merely staring at me, I hear her snort.

“What… what do you mean ‘boyfriend’, Jaebum, that’s not the right word.”

“It is the right word” – I interrupt, my voice even. I’m surprised myself that I can manage to stay calm while we are finally talking about this sensitive subject.

She seems puzzled and remains silent for a moment, then finally meets my gaze. She leaves me surprised when she starts giggling.

“No, Jaebum, Jackson is my friend. I like him as a friend, not as a boyfriend” – She clarifies as if she’s talking to a little kid.

“Oh!” – is all I can manage while processing new information.

“Can you imagine, me and Jackson together? It would have been so weird…” – she adds with an amused smile.

Suddenly I’m relieved and excited. I want to jump and laugh, I feel so strangely energetic and powerful.

I glance at her as she takes a quick gulp of her coffee.

“Besides, I like someone else.”

My whole body just freezes when hearing the words.

“At first I thought it was just a sample dialogue. Funny, huh?” - She switches from English to Korean. She doesn’t meet my gaze, instead she’s watching her hands, wrapped around the coffee mug.

“Yeah, well… It’s just the members have been wondering. You know, we’re like brothers, we should be aware if there’s something going on…”

“Yes, of course, I understand” – She interrupts before I’m even finished and nods nonchalantly.

There’s a complete silence that lasts for a few seconds. I can’t leave it like this, I just have to know more.

“And who is that you like?”

I try to make it sound just as if one friend is asking to another. I think I somehow manage to keep my voice calm and even.

“Do I know him?”

She opens her mouth to reply but not a sound comes from her lips.

I don’t want to seem too curious or pushy but I can’t bring myself to stop asking questions either.

“Is he from work?”

“No” – She answers immediately.

I need to know more, she has to give me some hints.

“He’s Korean, right?”

She chuckles quietly, still not turning to face me. We’re not even looking at each other anymore, we’re just sitting next to each other, our shoulders touching.

“He’s my friend” – She says just as I was about to ask another question. Her voice is slightly above a whisper.

My heartbeat speeds up.

“So… One moment you’re saying it’s absurd to like Jackson because he’s your _friend_ , and the other you admit you like someone who’s your _friend_. Don’t you think you contradict yourself?”

“N-no, that’s not it,” – She disagrees – “That’s totally different!”

“Alright” – I go along, nodding.

She hangs her head and stays like that for a few seconds. I can see she’s thinking hard. I wish I could read her mind. I gulp my coffee as I think of all the ways this could go wrong. Yet, I have to try, I can’t wait for a better moment that may never come.

“I like someone too, by the way” – I hear myself say.

She looks up at me then.

“Really? Who?”

“The greatest girl alive. She’s smart and kind, fun to hang out with. _And_ she’s cute and sexy at the same time. Full package, if you ask me.”

Although I don’t even glance at her, I can feel her intense gaze.

“Oh, oh, and beautiful. Did I mention that she's beautiful?” – I get into character.

I cross my arms over my chest and finally meet her eyes. I find her staring at me without even blinking. She looks somehow sad or flustered or both.

This is going well. I feel my heart speeding up in anticipation. To be honest, it’s kind of fun to watch the way she purses her lips.

“Wow” – She breathes out and continues nonchalantly, averting her gaze again – “Is she from one of those k-pop girl groups?”

“No.”

“But she’s famous, isn’t she? She must be, the way you’re describing her… As if she’s some kind of goddess.”

Her voice is dry. She mimics me and folds her arms across her chest, continuing to stare at her coffee mug on the table as if it’s the most interesting thing in the room.

“She _is_ a goddess. She’s not famous though. Just a girl.”

“Does she like you back?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“You didn’t tell her?”

“I was afraid to ruin it. I was feeling like if I’d make one wrong move, everything could fall apart.

We stay silent for a few seconds.

“Do you think I should tell her?”

She takes her time to answer and for a second it crosses my mind that she hasn’t even heard me.

“I can’t say for sure. But I would, if I were you. You never know, she might like you back. Besides, I’m convinced that you should tell people you care about how much you care about them.”

I’ve already made my decision and everything makes a better sense now. She was jealous of the girl I like, I’m sure of it. Nonetheless, even if she doesn’t like me back, I have to tell her anyway, I can’t keep it in me anymore.

“You’re right" - I simply nod.

“So… I guess you’re getting yourself a girlfriend then” – She says and chuckles and it sounds weird. I always know when she fakes it, I somehow do.

“What… How can you be sure she likes me back?” – I squint at her.

“Come on, how can anyone _not_ like you?”

And there’s silence again. This time it’s awkward. She immediately regrets opening her mouth, she wants to take it back, I can tell by simply looking at her. She goes rigid.

I love how cute she looks right now, as she’s deliberate not to meet my eyes. I feel myself smiling but I hide the smile and clear my throat.

“In that case, I guess you’re right and soon we’ll welcome a new member in this family.”

That’s when I look back at her and our eyes meet, finally. I notice how her face expression changes - She bites her bottom lip lightly, just like she usually does whenever she’s nervous or excited. She seems bothered and upset but she’s trying her best to hide her disappointment.

She sharply looks away. But I’m not going to let her. No way, not this time.

“May,” – I urge and when she looks at me again, I’m determined. I take a moment to gaze into her eyes and then I lean forward, not slowly but not sharply either. I don’t give her enough time to react or even grasp what I’m going to do, as I close the space between us.

Her lips are warm and soft, just as I imagined they would feel against mine. She smells so good – the same perfume I love so much. I want to push my tongue into her mouth and feel more but I stop myself from doing that. I’m cautious not to scare her away, so I keep kissing her slowly. She doesn’t respond in any way, she’s not moving a muscle. I know that’s not a good sign and the last thing I want is to force her or make her uncomfortable. So I stop, but it takes all my willpower.

I open my eyes and slowly lean back. She does the same and I’m able to check her reaction - she looks at me with bewildered expression. This can’t be good. One moment I’m almost sure she’s into me and the other I’m regretting I even started this conversation in the first place. Maybe I’ve made a terrible mistake just now.

I gulp, anticipating the worse. I deserve it, I shouldn’t have been so reckless.

Her blue-grey eyes suddenly drop from my gaze to my mouth. She licks her lips then and God does she look hot.

I feel like I’m drunk. Could it be I’m just having one of those dreams about her again?

“Jaebum,” – She whispers and goes silent for a second – “am I the girl you like?”

Is she for real? How does she manage to always leave me speechless?

“Isn’t that obvious?”

I watch her face expression change and she suddenly looks like a child who’s just about to start crying. She continues to stare into my eyes, then drops her gaze to my lips again. She wants to kiss me, I conclude as my heart starts pounding again.

At first she’s slow and hesitant but the moment her lips meet mine and I respond, she suddenly seems more confident. I start kissing her softly as I’m struggling to control myself. However, at some point, I know I can't hold back anymore. I gently lick her lips before sticking my tongue into her mouth and deepening the kiss. She lets out a quiet, soft moan and that’s when I snap. I place my palm on her neck and kiss her just the way I always wanted to. My breathe hitches and my whole body feels hot. She’s kissing me back with as much passion and desperation as I am kissing her. She runs her fingers through my hair, causing a fire to stir inside my stomach. 

“May…” – I barely pull my lips from hers to speak – “you taste so good.”

And I kiss her again and again before she leans back slightly.

“Jaebum,” – she whispers and I can feel her hot breath on my lips –“we’re in the kitchen.”

“Yeah, so?”

“What if someone walks in?” – She murmurs again as I keep moving my thumb over her swollen bottom lip. I’m honestly surprised I’m not hard yet.

“Don’t care” – I breathe out and capture her lips again.

After a few seconds she lightly puts her palm on my chest and stops me once more. I can’t hold back a disappointed whine. In response, she chuckles quietly and stands up, grabbing my hand.

I throw her a questioning look.

“Just... Come with me” – she suggests and suddenly I'm on my feet, once again feeling as if I’m under some kind of a spell. 

She only lets go of my hand when we reach the stairs. My heart is beating like crazy and my head's spinning. I follow her without a word as we walk up the stairs.


	7. Passion

She closes the door behind us and turns around. I’m standing three feet away from her, silent. She waits for me to do something, anything at this point - the silence between us becomes awkward. There’s so much to say but it’s hard for us to actually start talking. I’m not planning to make it easier for her though, I enjoy how embarrassed and flustered she looks right now.

“So… why are we here, again?” – I play dumb because I can.

She finally looks up and meets my gaze, nervously running her hand through her black hair. Then she bites her bottom lip and suddenly it’s clear to me just how uncomfortable she really is. I’m still going to play with her just for a little longer.

“It's just… - She pauses, then averts her eyes again – “we couldn’t stay in the living room, at any minute someone could walk in on us.”

“I thought I told you, I don’t care.”

“Yeah but…”

She stops again. I want to pull her close and kiss her and that would be the only logical thing to do in fact, but I decide to wait just a little longer. I’m not done teasing her yet.

“I thought we could…” – She tries again but doesn’t finish the sentence.

 _So fucking cute._ I'm trying not to laugh out loud, she’s so adorable right now.

“Never mind” – She shakes her head and turns to the door again – “Lets… Let’s just go back to the kitchen, we need to work on your English…”

She then grumbles something unintelligible and opens the door.

Enough bullshit.

I step forward and swiftly turn her around so that she’s facing me. I softly push her against the door. She gasps and stares at me with wide eyes. I don’t give her any time to react or to speak as I close the space between us. I kiss her briefly, holding onto her cheek.

“I’m just messing with you, I know why we’re here” – I admit with a grin.

She’s watching me, brows furrowed, lips in a tight line.

“Jerk!”

My smile widens as I nod.

“Why would you…”

I cut her off, attacking her mouth with my lips again. With one arm around her waist and the other at the back of her neck, I’m angling for a deeper kiss.

This time the kiss is more passionate and rough, completely different from the ones we've shared downstairs. She responds with the same intense desperation and need, making my heart thump wildly in my chest.

“I wanted to kiss you like this since the first time I laid eyes on you” – I whisper between kisses, then press forward again.

Her breathe has become hot and heavy and I can’t hold back anymore, I slowly move down with open mouthed kisses on her neck. As I breathe in her scent I love so much, I’m not able to control my actions anymore. I bite down on her neck slightly. Her reaction is precious – she lets out a soft moan and her whole body shivers. The sound sends warm shocks of pleasure up my spine and I press my body against her.

I feel her hand on my hip, soft and warm through my t-shirt. My breathing’s unsteady and shaky as her fingers tighten around the hair at the nape of my neck. That’s when my hips unintentionally move forward and I end up grinding at her stomach. This elicits the quit little moan from her mouth.

I can’t help but whine in my throat, overwhelmed with emotions as I realize that she _actually_ wants me. My whole body feels heavy and hot.

“Jaebum…” – She whispers my name, her voice hoarse and her breathe hot. I meet her eyes, noticing her pupils are dilated. I run my thumb over her bottom lip, then lean down and gently bite it. I bury my face against her neck, continuing to trace wet trails with my tongue up and down the pulsating veins. I can hear her sucking in a deep, shaky breath. I’m already half-hard at this point.

“I want you” – I whisper against her ear, grabbing her hips and thrusting forward, grinding at her stomach with a little more force.

She moans, this time louder, and flatters her eyes closed.

_Aish, I want her so bad._

I stop for a moment to look at her and see the result of my actions. She’s leaning against the door, breathing heavily, eyes pressed shut and mouth slightly open. I reach out again, touching her cheek with my fingers and caressing her smooth skin. She opens her eyes and stares back with the same intensity.

“Don’t you want me?” – I murmur, trailing my fingers down her neck where there’s a little pink bruise forming. I’m well aware that her skin is sensitive, she’s been talking about that before, whining that she can’t even get a tan. I want to take advantage of it and leave my marks all over her body, it turns me on probably more than it should.

She merely nods. I want her to say it, I want to hear her confess just how much she really wants me, so I’m not taking a nod as an answer.

“This won’t work.”

Her eyes dart between me and the space behind me.

“I want you to tell me” – I admit, noticing her shyly looking away.

_How adorable._

“Jaebum,” – She gives a shaky exhale and finally meets my gaze.

Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are dark with lust, her lips red and swollen from our make out session. She stares at me licking her lips, not aware herself how sexy she looks right now. I clench my throat and swallow, grabbing her hips and pressing my erection against her. A soft, breathy moan fells from her lips as her eyes shut tightly.

The noise sends another sharp wave of pleasure to my dick, and suddenly I want more. I slide my hands under her t-shirt, my fingertips brushing against the bare skin of her lower back.

“Take it off” – I demand.

I know I sound noticeably impatient and even desperate now but I can’t hide the fact that I’m dizzy with lust anymore. I wait for her to obey and she does. With hands slightly shaking, she reaches for the hem of her shirt and takes it off, tossing it to the floor.

I take my time to study her, this girl standing in front of me, all flushed and breathless. She’s wearing a red, lace bra - her favorite color. I look up to meet her eyes again but she averts her gaze. She seems nervous and a bit awkward.

“Sexy” – I note, swallowing to wet my dry throat – “I want these off, too.”

I gesture toward her black jeans. That’s when she meets my eyes again.

“Don’t be shy” – I murmur, secretly loving how bashful and cute she is.

She licks her lips nervously and I can feel her tense. For a second I think that she’s about to say something but soon she’s stepping out of her jeans without a word. I try not to stare too intensely so I don’t make her even more uncomfortable than she already is. Instead, I casually turn to the bed and sit down. She throws me a questioning glance.

“Come here” – I motion her to follow and she obeys again.

She’s standing in front of me, looking down at me as she’s trying to hide her fidgety hands somehow. I grab them and place my hands over her wrists.

“May, you want me, right?” – I ask but this time solely for the purpose of making sure.

“Yes” – she nods without a hint of hesitation.

That’s all I need to hear, I move my hands to her hips then trace her back with my fingers.

“Are you nervous?”

“A little,” – She admits and stays silent for a few seconds - “It’s just I don’t want to disappoint you” – She adds, voice slightly above a whisper.

I raise an eyebrow at her.

“There’s no way you can disappoint me” – I reply, trying to come up with the right words to express just how deep are my feelings for her. I never manage to put it into words though, it’s harder than I thought It would be.

“I don’t think I’m good enough for you” – She suggests out of nowhere.

I squint at her, my hands tightening on her hips.

“Shut up, stupid!” – I say through clenched teeth, noticing that the tone of my voice surprises her just a little bit. Her eyes snap to mine, wide and questioning – “You don’t even know how amazing you are! Even if you were _not_ this good, I’d still like you; Even if you were not this sexy, I’d still want to fuck you. I don’t need anyone else, so don’t you dare say you’re not good enough.”

I sound harsher than I intended to. Her expression fells from confusion to silent surprise. She seems embarrassed and hangs her head, nodding slightly.

“You promise not to think like that anymore? Because if you can’t promise me that, I’m just going to leave and never speak to you again.”

Hearing these words causes her to flinch and she’s forced to finally look down at me.

“I’m sorry, it was just hard for me to believe you actually like me” – She confesses – “But I promise not to think that way again, yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yes” – She nods gazing down at me with wide, innocent eyes. I can’t help but smile at how cute she is without even trying – “Just… don’t leave… I can’t take it if you stop speaking to me.”

How’s that even possible? A part of me wants to be soft, cuddly and gentle when I’m with her, while the other part wants to bend her over and fuck her senseless until she’s a moaning, trembling mess.

As soon as the image crosses my mind, I feel blood rushing down to my dick. Without a word I swiftly pull her onto my lap, her legs on either side of my hips. She gasps in surprise but I don’t give her time to say anything, I lean my head into the crook of her neck and start hungrily kissing her soft skin there. I start running my hands up her back, pulling her even closer. She tangles her hands into my hair and the way she’s trembling and tugging onto my locks, I know she likes what I’m doing.

I hastily move to grab at my shirt, pulling it over my head and throwing it to the side. Then I make quick work of my jeans, unzipping the fly and pushing them down slightly. I grab May around the waist and lift her up, then pull my pants all the way down.

Once she’s onto my lap again she starts roaming her hands over my bare chest, making my breathe hitch. Just as I decide to get rid of my underwear as well, she slowly trails her hand down my chest and over my stomach. She then wraps her soft fingers around the base of my dick, giving it a slow stroke and I hear a groan escape my lips. My head drops to her shoulder and I settle my hands on her hips, gripping them tightly. I buck my hips forward unintentionally then lean in to mouth along her bare collarbone, causing her to let out more of those sweet little noises. I grab her nape and tilt my head to kiss her throat, a bit aggressively now.

“What do you want to do?” – I pant, my hot breath against her neck causing her to shiver.

“W-what?”

“What do you want me to do?” – I repeat, tracing my fingers over the bruise on her neck that’s turning bluish now.

“I don’t know” – She murmurs, her cheeks flushing into a deeper shade of pink.

“Don’t lie. You should know. Haven’t you thought about me like that before?”

She gives a shaky exhale, releasing my dick and grasping my shoulder instead.

“Of course I thought about it.”

“And?”

She goes silent, not quite meeting my eyes.

“I want you to tell me. I’ve been dying to have you like this and I need to hear it from you.”

I desperately need her to verbalize her own desires.

“Jaebum, I’m not sure how to…”

She stops her words as her gaze meets mine.

“I can do whatever you want me to. I can be gentle and soft, _or_ I can fuck you nice and hard. Just say it.”

She swallows visibly and I feel a smirk play at my lips. She successfully knocks the smirk off my face as she suddenly leans forward and kisses me. One of her hands is resting on my neck and the other she moves to grab my dick again.

“I want everything” – She whispers, hot breath tickling my skin.

I hiss and lick my lips, then look into her grey-blue eyes darkening with lust. 

I quickly grab her waist with both hands and pull her up. Now it’s her turn to gasp again. I lay her on the bed and hover over her. She stares up at me with wide eyes as I make a promise to her.

“I’m going to ruin you.”


End file.
